Memories that beg and scream that I could have done something different.

Throughout my life, I've grown getting used to harsh looks and the words behind my back, which feel like stabs when people tell me beautiful things to my face but sigh behind my back. It amazes me how, despite so many wounds, I never decided to give up or let myself fall. I always looked for a way to reinvent myself, to appear strong and proud. A screen projecting what everyone wants to see-joy and success.
But the reality is, inside, I felt completely empty and miserable. As I said, I always sought a way to reinvent myself, but I never put in enough effort or took enough time to truly search for myself. I drifted like a rudderless ship in a wild ocean, asking myself: Who am I? Where am I going? Will I ever be happy, and will the pain finally end?
I never really knew how to feel, but I lived with the hope that someday I might. And just when I thought that moment had come, I was deceived. He completely played with my heart.
I still can't believe how someone can lie so much to your face without remorse, after spending entire days together and even sharing the deepest vulnerabilities. And to be honest, now that it's all over, I want to tell you something. Just between us, even though my heart still burns, there's something I can declare with complete awareness: The best night of my life was the one we stayed up late, when we were just getting to know each other, and everything was happiness.

What's written in this book are the original emails I wrote but never sent, because I couldn't bear another goodbye. So instead of suffering through a conversation that would never happen, I wrote them and kept them to myself. That way, instead of having conversations with him, I had them with myself, and somehow, that hurt less.
I'm still discovering whether that was an act of bravery or cowardice.

I wish you knew how much I miss you and how much I suffer every night wondering about you. But there's never a message back, and I know there's a reason for that-you made it clear. You had the time and my phone number, but what you didn't have was the desire to text me, only to her. Or how about this: when you said my love wasn't valid because of my age, but then you started dating someone the same age I was when you broke my heart.

There are things, I suppose, I will never fully understand, despite the strength I pretend to have.

Juan Carlos Bonilla.