It's Your Tone!

Stories are at the heart of how we feel about our marriages and intimate relationships; how we answer basic questions: Is this a good relationship? Am I loved? Are we happy? And yet, many couples lack the words or language to speak of these stories, or the ability to explore and understand the effects of stories on their relationship. Instead, couples tend to speak of relationship "patterns," "cycles," and "styles," "reactivity" and "defensiveness," and "communication problems"; they tell one another "It's not what you say, it's how you say it"; they speak of their hurts; get "in touch" with their emotions; and they argue about housework and sex. These are all important areas of focus, but stories shape all of these conversations and can derail even the best of intentions.

It's your tone! provides a framework for couples to look at the stories that keep them stuck - to get a better understanding of what those stories are, why they show up, and how they get in the way. It offers practical guidance to help couples interrupt unhelpful stories before they take over. It helps couples establish a calm, respectful environment in which they can reflect upon, discuss, and define what they do want in their relationship - their "preferred stories" that reflect their hopes and deeply held values. Extended illustrations throughout the book let readers reflect on their own intimate relationships as they follow two couples through their relationship challenges, thoughts, "stories," conversations, hopes and dreams.